That's the Trouble with the Past

Lately I’ve been reminiscing.

Several reasons have contributed to this. It could be a discussion about old hip-hop songs or a friend’s blog or two (much younger) coworkers going to a Halloween party dressed as my favorite band from “back in the day.”

Nonetheless, I’ve been thinking about my younger days and all the crazy fun that I had. It was wild, too. And I do mean wild. There were some great times.

Or were they?

Looking deeper into my adolescence I realize that there was also a great deal of pain. It wasn’t the same pain I had endured in my childhood, where I suffered abuse at the hands of bullying classmates, Catholic education, a sexually molesting relative, among others.

I have confronted my childhood demons and have overcome them. No, I have defeated them. Thank you to my therapist and to anti-depressant and mood-stabilizing medication. I have not confronted the individuals who have abused me. I no longer need to. I have risen above them.

My adolescence had brought a new kind of pain. In my rage I had hurt others. Many of those I have hurt were female – high school and college girls who had turned to me for affection, and I was quick to take advantage of them. I have probably hurt more people in my teens than had hurt me in my childhood.

I also took strides to hurt myself. I tried to kill myself – slowly. I smoked upwards of two packs of cigarettes per day. I drank far more than a typical teenager. I failed or dropped out of almost as many college courses as I had passed. My self-loathing often got the better of me.

I realize, as I sit and think back to those days, that I’m still tormented by things that I have done.

That’s the trouble with the past. You can’t just bury it.

But you do have to come to terms with it. And for me, the best way to come to terms with it is to be the best husband and father I can.

I think that by treating my wife with love and respect, it can, in some ways, serve as a sort of redemption for how I might have treated others in my past.

Besides, she deserves it.

And by loving and teaching and nurturing my son I am, in some ways, loving and teaching and nurturing myself back to health. Being a great father not only improves the life of your child, but it improves your own.

And besides, he deserves it.