A Necessary Evil

As any long time reader will know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a few years ago. Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, affects a person's moods. Unlike the normal highs and lows of "healthy" people, those like me experience extreme swings in moods that can range from euphoric highs to the blackest of depressions. Suicide is not uncommon among individuals suffering from BPD.

While there is no known cure for BPD, there is medical treatment that can ease the symptoms -- keep the mood swings to a normal level. I take two different kinds of medication to help me with this.

Buproprion is the medication I take as an anti-depressant. This medicine keeps the bottom from falling out. I credit buproprion for helping me climb out of the blackness I was in a couple of years ago. Side effects include increased risk of seizure, insomnia, potential liver and pancreatic issues.

Valproic acid is an anti-convulsant that also acts as a mood stabilizer. This serves to keep my mood swings at a normal level. Side effects include weight gain (trust me, it's true), fatigue, dizziness and potentially impaired liver function.

For about twenty years, I unknowingly controlled my BPD through self-medication. Nicotine can act as a mood stabilizer. I was doing far more harm than good, of course. Shortly after I had quit smoking, the bottom fell out. Now I take medications that help me remain an emotionally stable human being. However, instead of risking lung cancer or emphysema I am risking liver disease, among other things.

I have a dream that someday I will hold my great grandson or great grand daughter. There is a very real chance that, because of my meds, that dream will not happen.

Someone recently asked me if they should take medication. She feels she needs help coping with the stress in her life. I told her to be very careful.

If there is a better way, find it.

It's an uncomfortable feeling knowing that what is saving my life may also be killing me.